The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump,
it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down
expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding,
fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless
grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use
some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary.
It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in
perfect harmony with it.
The Caesarian Dump Pain!
That's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a
case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and
there's no obstetrician to help.
The Beer Dump
Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the
beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been
2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy,
noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a
bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump
Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili
dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat
The Cable Dump
Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-
axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly
serpent. You notice it has three rest rings encircling it. You
wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" You
leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump
In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a
tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.
Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump
This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it
can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da
Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even
want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too
The Empty Roll Dump
You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover
that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your
throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where
are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too
cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every
"empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your
tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump
You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into
the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your
bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and
embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump
You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT!
Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It
isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
The Alfresco Dump
Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a
rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and
a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our
primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this
harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison
The Childbirth Dump
This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture
provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over
your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any
better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You
imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to
hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the
crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are
only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump
The phrase "Shit Happens" really applies here in a big way. When
the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower
intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be
better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you
because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest
of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never
had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump
You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of
the sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the
silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the
floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates
are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to
cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is
obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release,
try the following sound effects: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Sing the
first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a handful of
quarters on the floor
The Security Dump
You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without
worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find
you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing
spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place
your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum
The Cling-On Dump
For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one
little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient.
Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with
both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little
stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a
canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person
pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump
You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has
disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you
dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you
wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you
flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will
reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Flu Dump
You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down
first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of
nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps
squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up
down up down. Don't you wish Mum were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump
Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you
about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be,
"Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". It's
claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper
The Proctologist Dump
In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the
firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there
is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right,
you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of
your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you
squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead.
You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn
thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other
is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not
a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You
blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole
episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump
You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl
water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative
squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs
there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump
Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your
hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another
dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's
record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump
This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live
through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it,
but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a
born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
i hope you all enjoyed that.
my poop had corn in it :o).